Poor Quality Sleep

[Natara]

The thing I thought would never happen is happening: I am going to bed before midnight and getting out of bed at a reasonable time (between 7:30am and 9:30am), but the quality of my sleep is terrible.

First of all, it's amazing that I actually feel tired around 10pm and can drift off to sleep. When I'm not working, I tend to get into an extreme cycle where I go to bed at 7am and wake up in the evening. When I'm working intermittently (2-4 days a week), I usually still stay up quite late and sleep into the afternoon. For a while, I thought I needed 10-12 hours of sleep just to feel rested. Maybe I did, but I clearly don't now.

When I was a young teen, I was an insomniac (of the sleep-onset variety), and as a young adult, I've struggled with hypersomnia. Now I'm neither, and I'm grateful for that, but I'm still experiencing the symptoms of sleep deprivation. I probably wake up 4 times a night on average, but I get back to sleep every time. I hate to say it, but I think I must be dealing with middle-of-the-night insomnia.

At first, I thought it must be the place I moved to. We're right by a main road, and despite the house being relatively well-insulated and the windows having been treated with whatever it is that helps reduce noise, the traffic is still obnoxiously loud in my bedroom. My brother suggested sleeping with a fan on, but my partner hates fans. I thought about moving us from the main bedroom to the tiny second bedroom, where the noise doesn't penetrate at all, but I wanted to try ear plugs first. I used to sleep with ear plugs in, and it was really easy to readjust to. Although I could still hear some noises, I couldn't hear any traffic, and everything was muffled to the point where I had no engagement with them. Sometimes I even have difficulty hearing the alarm right next to my head.

I thought another issue might be how the curtains and blinds don't block out all the light, so that when the sun rose, I'd automatically wake up to it. Two things factored into ruling this out: (1) I started going to bed at a time when a 7am wake up would still mean 8-9 hours of sleep, and (2) it's about two weeks away from the winter solstice, and the sun doesn't get bright enough to wake me up until after 8am.

What should have been a big red flag was that my sleep during my time in the US was awful. My parents have more or less left my room untouched, and the bed in there is the comfiest I've ever slept in. During visits in the past, my sleep would be at its peak form, so to speak. During this last time, though, I kept waking up, even after a week and all signs of jetlag were gone.

I do have chronic pain, but I've figured out how to keep it to a minimum most hours. I do have the history with depression and anxiety, and it could be that anxiety has kept me from getting into a deep sleep. I also wonder if I should see a doctor to look at the possibility of sleep apnea, since my dad had it, and a dentist in the US told me I have large tonsils.

I don't know. When I was watching this documentary on sleep back in April, one woman had both chronic onset insomnia and difficulty maintaining sleep (which she'd had for 20+ years). It turned out her hormones were out of wack, with there being much higher than normal levels of cortisone in her body along with lower than normal amounts of melatonin. She was able to reduce the stress through yoga, if I remember correctly, and the quality of her sleep improved remarkably. I wonder if I should try this, but I already have so much I feel overwhelmed by that adding yoga just feels like another burden. In the same documentary, another woman who'd been suffering severe sleep apnea for only two years ended up with an enlarged heart that the doctors said could only be treated with a transplant. She had the sleep apnea addressed, and miraculously, her heart recovered, and she was taken off the transplant list.

Argh. This is too much to worry about, and I'm too tired. This is all so exhausting, but I really, really prefer to go to sleep with more comfortable feelings in my chest.

[Natara]

When I talked to my therapist yesterday, he offered up another explanation. "During sleep, people experience repeated cycles of NREM and REM sleep, beginning with an NREM phase. This cycle lasts approximately 90 to 110 minutes and is repeated four to six times per night." (Information about Sleep) S said that the first 4 to 5 hours to sleep are the most important in the night, and I then told him that usually 1-3 hours after I fell asleep, I'd be woken up by my partner coming to bed or his podcasts finally ending. He said that this sleep time conflict between couples was a common problem and frequently does lead to interrupted sleep. Although it doesn't quite explain why I had such difficulty sleeping in the US, it sounded more reasonable than being too stressed out to sleep or having sleep apnea (I don't really fit the profile).

My partner has not been depressed, per say, but he's been exhibiting many behaviors that would indicate he's not in a good place emotionally. Although I was thrilled that there might be an easy answer to my sleep problem, all day, I've been dreading talking with my partner about changing his sleep patterns.

I tried to bring it up gently. I talked about compromising on a time to go to bed. It didn't have to be something early (although ideal) like 10:30pm, but it had to be early enough that I'd get 8 hours in before having to wake up for work (so no later than 12am). He reacted in the way I feared. He said that it was no compromise. He'd have to go to bed when he wasn't tired and for no personal gain, but what was I giving up? I was the only one who would benefit.

So I told him that there were three options I thought suitable: we could sleep in different rooms, we could go to bed at the same time, or he could go to bed as long it was at least 5 hours after I had gone to bed. (I really don't like the last option.)

Then he asked, "How do we even know that this is the problem?" It's true, I don't know. I just think that it would be beneficial to try, because what if it does work? If it didn't, we would still be on a healthier sleep schedule, and probably have more energy and experience less pain as a result.

So keep your fingers crossed that I can talk him into being patient and trying something somewhat uncomfortable out because he cares about my well-being.

[Natara]

My partner was more understanding about an hour later. We still haven't figured out a time, but I know that when I go to bed with him, I wake up feeling better rested, despite the later time.

Ironically, I'm having trouble sleeping tonight.

It seems that when I go on a cleaning binge (I finished carefully cleaning nearly every room in the house, sans the living room - took me 7+ hours), I just... end up feeling more hyper than ever.